And so it goes...

 February 24, 2014

...when an accusation is made without cause, without merit, without warning by someone you have considered a friend and a colleague.  And even when the matter is settled and hints of instability have surfaced, even though your work is reaffirmed, the sting remains.  When it's followed by the resignation of a staff member, accusations by another, an elder leaving the church, and another in tears in your office, it's hard not to take these things personally.  Even when you hear "it's not you."  "It's the politics."  "It's the lack of support for each other."  It's the absence of fellowship."  It's hard not to take it personally.

And when something else is beckoning, it's hard not to become distracted by what could be, if only, somewhere else.  And a call comes.  And an email arrives.  And the thought seed is planted.  People want me.  And it's hard not to take that personally as well.  And that's the problem.  It shouldn't be personal.  It should be Him.  It's all about Him.  But sometimes He is so slow.  His time is not my time. And it's hard not to take that personally.

And so I keep repeating the only acceptable mantra.  "It's all about Him - it's not about me."  But I'm still in the mess of the politics and the abandonment, and the hurt, and the longing.  In part it is about me.  Not just me getting over myself but me making more room for Him.  I need to get out of the way and it's hard not to take that personally.